An Open Letter to the NFL
Dear National Football League,
This past Sunday night (10/23/16) my son and I watched our first NFL game together. He was so excited that even before there were any pictures of football, he started shouting, “Touchdown!” while holding his arms up. It is one of about 10 words he knows, and other than “mao mi” (kitty), the one that excites him the most. I’m not sure why — as mentioned above, he had never watched football before Sunday and probably doesn’t understand the concept of “a game” in general. He is 15 months old.
But damn if he isn’t excited about whatever he thinks touchdowns are. “No, baby,” I told him, “no touchdowns yet. But I’m sure there will be soon!” His shouts of “Touchdown!” soon turned to uncertain queries of “Touchdown?” in between wandering around the room and misplacing everyone’s shoes in strange spots. “Soon, baby, soon,” I said. “Soon you can do all the touchdown dancing you want!” Soon never came. Four quarters and one overtime period later, the game ended without a single goddamn touchdown. The National Football League made me lie to my own son.
The National Football League made me lie to my own son.
The Seahawks and Cardinals were punished with the shameful 6–6 tie they deserved. But what about the league? Does the NFL get off scot free? I thought we’d agreed to this simple transaction. Every Sunday I provide my +1 household to their ratings statistics and in return, they provide touchdowns for my baby.
As a 49ers fan I get that touchdowns may be few and far between. I’m a realist. I’m not expecting 10 touchdowns a game. Hell, I don’t bat an eye if my own team fails to score any. That’s what they do now, I guess. But somebody better score one. Just one chance in the game for baby to do his touchdown celebration.
I understand the trend in the league has been toward more and more unwatchable games over the past few years, which I’ll admit is puzzling, but I’m going to leave the strategy to the marketing geniuses. If unwatchability is what the mass market wants, then far be it from me to be the squeaky wheel holding back progress. But something about a zero touchdown game with a cumulative score of 3–3 over 4 quarters is crossing a line. I don’t care if this is what the young people like these days, I’m getting off this train.
I am writing to ask for my money back. And don’t give me that crap about how I watch the game for free. I know how this works. You get money from the networks who get money from the advertisers in exchange for selling them shares of influence in my subconscious mind. I have a spreadsheet written up of all the companies that have fractionally influenced my subconscious through Sunday Night Football commercials, and an estimate of how many of my brain cells are now associated with each brand name. Please take an appropriate proportional amount of the advertising money from each of those companies and return it to me.
Also, I have a 49ers shirt where I estimate $3 of the purchase price went to licensing fees. I would like that $3 back.
And a final warning. Next time my son runs to the screen and throws his hands up shouting, “Touchdown!” there better be a touchdown within the next hour, or else I will be forced to take more drastic action, such as changing the channel to Paw Patrol.
