Fact Check: Millennials
There’s a lot of “facts” flying around about millennials but how much “fact” is there to these “facts”? Let’s take a look at some of the most popular ones.
1. Millennials Will Live For 1000 Years
Verdict: TRUE
As is obvious from the name, millennials have an expected average lifespan of 1000 years. Both cheerleaders and naysayers agree on this.
2. Millennials Gained This Lifespan By Selling Their Souls to the Devil
Verdict: FALSE
This is a ridiculous myth driven by superstition and envy. In reality, there is a very mundane scientific reason why millennials will live so long, which is recent advances in medical science. The reason the dumb public finds this so surprising is because people these days spend too much time reading celebrity gossip and other dumb things I don’t like instead of reading scientific papers directly from journals every day like a responsible citizen.
Source: Science (the discipline, not the journal)
3. Millennials Could Buy A House If They Gave Up Avocado Toast
Verdict: TRUE
True but not for the reason usually given, which is that the cost of avocado toast prevents them from buying a house, which is ridiculous. Even the low end of houses cost at least $80-$100, whereas a single avocado toast only costs $20.
Rather, in the wake of the mortgage crisis, lenders have severely tightened up their restrictions on who they will lend to, and one of these restrictions is that they will not lend to people who eat avocado toast. You might find this outrageous and discriminatory but keep in mind that the banks have years of data from millions of people that tell them what factors make a good borrower, and they’ve been applying this data successfully for many years up to the mid-1990s and then starting again after 2009.
Refusing to lend to avocado toast eaters isn’t “arbitrary” and “unfair” any more than refusing to lend to people with baskets on their bicycle handlebars or people who have hats with ears on them, both of which have been recognized as high risk factors in the mortgage industry for decades. The data doesn’t lie.
4. Millennials Are Killing X
Verdict: TRUE
Raised on stories of assassins with hearts of gold (Leon The Professional, Deadpool, Beatrix Kiddo) and deprived of living-wage paying job opportunities, millennials are turning in ever-increasing numbers to contract killing in order to stay alive. This is part of the larger trend toward the “gig economy,” for better or worse.
Next time you see news that a famous celebrity or established industry has died, chances are it was a millennial, who got $10/hr to do it (or $20 at peak times).
5. Millennials Are On Their Phones All The Time
Verdict: FALSE
Through an extensive survey of screenshots posted to social media by millennials, I was able to conclude the average battery percent of a millennial’s phone at any given time is around 10%. Therefore millennials clearly spend a great deal of time with their phones out of battery or charging.
